Accepting Crushing Criticism

As a previous HR executive - annual review time was a time filled with annoyance, frustration, anxiety, fear, etc. Who doesn’t love spending painstaking time pulling together your accomplishments, KPIs, feedback, and content for a good self evaluation only to be completely crushed by feedback from your leader, peers, or team members.

Annual reviews, critics, leadership 360s, social media, Glassdoor reviews, Yelp reviews - you name it and the opportunity for anyone to give feedback is everywhere.

Being a growth minded individual - it’s a natural thing to want, need, and desire feedback. The purpose - to improve, to gain insight, to gain awareness. There is a beautiful exchange that occurs when feedback is given - the feedback giver cares enough to support someone in their growth and the recipient is accepting that feedback for all the reasons mentioned above. This is something to remember (unless it’s an angry yelp reviewer that gets energized by tearing people down).

What happens when the feedback is overwhelmingly negative or hard to hear? 

I consider myself to be growth-minded…self-critical, pretty aware, and a strong desire to learn and just be all around better. Yet, there are times when some feedback is hard to hear, even triggering. It isn’t because the desire to grow isn’t there, but due of other factors. Insecurity, where the feedback is coming from, who is giving the feedback, how they give the feedback, opposing beliefs, a lack of context/understanding, inner dialogue (DO THEY HATE ME?!) etc.

For me, the hardest part about accepting feedback is when I’m feeling deeply insecure about the very thing for which I’m receiving feedback. It’s extremely vulnerable and can feel like salt on a wound that, maybe, I’ve opened myself.

When has feedback or constructive criticism been difficult for you?

I’ve learned (through A LOT of work) ways to GRACIOUSLY take that crushing feedback - as a leader, as an artist, and as a peer (friend, wife, mother). Here are a few steps to take when experiencing difficulty accepting constructive (even non-constructive) feedback.

1. Start with centering yourself

1. Center and ground yourself to what you contributed/created/did

1. Be gentle with yourself and express gratitude

2. Ask yourself

1. How do I feel about what I contributed/created/did?

2. What would I change or do differently?

3. Was I aligned to the purpose or goal?

3. If you’re naturally self critical - a gentle reminder to also find the positives (this is important)

2. Work to gain awareness of your triggers

1. Multiple things can cause deep emotions and reactions around feedback, especially when we’re in a vulnerable state

1. What - the content of the feedback

2. Who - the relationship with the person providing feedback 

3. How - the way someone provides feedback 

4. Where - if feedback is provided in an inappropriate place, publicly, etc.

2. Our response to these triggers is how we protect ourselves

1. Attempt to separate the emotion you’re feeling with the content of the feedback

1. Name the emotion

2. Engage in a conversation with yourself around that emotion

3. Identify how the emotion is protecting you

2. Objectively consider the content of the feedback

3. Determine how/if to integrate the feedback

1. Assume the feedback is coming from a place of contribution

2. Ask yourself - is this feedback useful?

3. How does this feedback align with the purpose of what I’m attempting to contribute/create/do?

4. Will this feedback make me/the team/the product/the result better?

5. If I’m resisting the feedback, could this be a potential blind spot for me? How can I gain more evidence?

This is a process. When feelings of resistance come up, if the feedback is dismissed, when triggered, or when strong feelings come up - this process can be beneficial to pause and engage. Again, feedback is (mostly) given with good intentions - so there’s an opportunity to take that feedback and consider it. By going through a process, there is a level of dissociation that naturally occurs by approaching it analytically. This will allow for a more objective review of the feedback and clarity on how/if we want to apply that feedback.