Don’t “Should” Yourself

This blog comes to you from a very natural place. I wrote it once I felt compelled to write it. I wanted to write it. Is it in front of you now? Yes. Did I enjoy the process because I wasn’t forcing myself to write it? Absolutely yes. But in the build up to writing it, I had to combat that voice creeping in with the haunting word “should”. You should be writing this blog. You should submit it quicker. You should do this with more urgency. (Something you should read more about in our Disrupting Urgency Culture blog)

This voice creeps in all over the place. “You should go to sleep earlier.” “You should make dinner more often.” “You should go for that new promotion.”

Are all those things true? Maybe. Does judging myself with the word “should” help? Absolutely not. It’s imposing guilt, there’s a judgment to it. My guilt trip isn’t ultimately motivating. In fact it often ends up having a negative association that makes me subconsciously more resistant to do those behaviors because I feel badly about them. “I didn’t go to sleep earlier tonight like I said I should. I’m terrible for staying up too late. When will I learn?!”

Does this sound familiar to you? Before we out-right push “should” out the door, examine the should.

Whose voice is it saying you should do something? Rarely does it originate with you. You learned that word at some point. Whether a family member, friend, or boss, it’s someone, maybe it’s several people, and it’s likely been said to you throughout your life. What that voice is telling you you should do, are values imposed on you by someone else. Either what they’ve explicitly expressed or what you perceive to be their values. “You should go to sleep earlier.” Thanks, mom. That’s childhood me who needed an earlier bedtime, adult me is fine. Going to bed early is not one of my values. This is probably why I don’t go to bed earlier, not because I’m a failure as a human.   

If it is one of your values, look out for “but” and replace it with the “why”. “I should make my dinner more, but I’m just too tired at the end of the day.” Why do you want to do this? For me it’s to be healthier and save money. It helps to be reminded of that. “I want to be healthier and save money, I’m going to make my dinner more.” 

Did you spot that new word in lieu of “should”? Want. What is it you want? Ultimately framing a “want” is more motivating. This is closely tied to values. I value my health and frugalness which is ultimately my why for making dinner, not that someone else told me I should. 

As we enter goal setting season, keep your wants in mind. Start there. If you’re not sure what you want, coming up with your values is a great guidepost. What are your actual values? See previous blog about Personal Values as a Compass

As an example, let’s focus on work. Come up with the five most important things about your work to you. You can make a quick list and then refine. For me it’s flexibility, passion, creativity, colleagues, and money. In that exact order. 

When writing my 2023 goals this past year, I didn’t take my values into consideration. I listed getting a promotion as a top personal goal for the year, because I thought that’s what I should do. It’s what a previous manager encouraged in me based on their values, and getting promoted is often what’s associated with success. I listed this for my goal thinking my manager wanted to see that. But this wasn’t aligned with my own values. Making money is important to me, but it’s not the most important thing to me in work, flexibility is. Getting a promotion would take away my flexibility which would take me further away from what I really want. 

By coming up with your values, you’ll gain greater clarity in your true goals. Take out the guilt and negative expectations of “should” and give yourself the agency of what you actually want.