Negotiate Your Yes
How leaders and individuals cut through the noise or “asks” of an organization through negotiation. Purposeful conversations will lead to strategic engagement, less burnout, and more curiosity.
As a recovering people pleaser, I took a lot of pride in my need to “make it happen” or “get things done” regardless of the ask. I wanted so badly to be liked and appreciated that I would solve the problem and execute, even if it meant extra hours, compromised results, or more strain or stress on the team. As a result, I was applauded and rewarded for my “yes” attitude. My team and I rarely let things fall through the cracks and we did it all with very limited resources. Sounds impressive, right? Read on…
I now know that I held some unconscious beliefs about this…
Saying “yes” made me a talented contributor to the organization.
I was making myself and the members of my team irreplaceable.
People could count on me and they liked me.
A lot of the time, I believed I could do it faster (and better) if I just handled it myself.
If you’re familiar with Karpman’s Drama Triangle (a model of ineffective social interactions), this is where I was stuck - emotionally and functionally.
I was the “rescuer” or “hero” by jumping in and saving the day - but ultimately I was fearing inadequacy.
I felt like a “victim” to the reality that we were strapped for resources and had to do more than others were doing.
I “persecuted” anyone who didn’t help, jump in, or wouldn’t go “above and beyond” to support our needs. I was judgmental of their choices.
I didn’t slow down long enough to dig in and explore if the ask was a new priority, an idea, a change, or just an opportunity for a brainstorm.
I was creating short term wins and long term pain by not thinking about the strategy of the ask and what that meant for me and my team in the long term.
From the outside, things were (for the most part) humming along. Emotionally, however, we were struggling. So, the result and the impact of these CHOICES…
I was burning myself (and my team) out by constantly saying yes and taking on more work without any additional resources.
I was NOT negotiating what needed to get done with the resources that were available.
I wasn’t curious enough about the ask. Was it more pressing than the objectives we were working on? How does this stack against our other projects? Is this something we’re just brainstorming or is this an idea? Is this a non-negotiable “something” we’re taking on as a team?
I wasn’t helping the team prioritize the “most important things”
We didn’t get additional support or resources. The realization? Why would they? Everything was getting done. From the perspective of the business - we had enough resources.
It’s easier to say yes and get to a resolution. You look good, you’re rewarded for this behavior, and people are happy with you. We get into the “hero” mindset and believe we’re saving the day by supporting the organization, being a team player, and being of service - when in reality, it could be that we’re taking on more than we can sustainably handle, the organization has no thermostat on what can/can’t be done based on the resources, and we’re causing burn out - for ourselves and our team. We are becoming enablers rather than leading strategically.
READ: Leaders have a responsibility to support their teams AND their organizations in prioritizing objectives and tasks and also educating the organization on how asks impact, not only the bottom line, but the teams ability to execute.
Here are some steps to take in order to create effective conversations around what we execute.
Come from extreme curiosity - ask a lot of questions about the ask to determine how important the request is. Be the “creator” and own where this new objective falls into your scope of work.
Negotiate - what gets left off or de-prioritized in order to execute on this. Be the “challenger” and work with the people around you to make conscious decisions about what’s next.
Request additional resources if needed
Refer to “The Battle of Needs” blog - remember everyone has needs, so our lens is on negotiating and finding common ground.
Identify an opportunity for leverage - if this is a new opportunity for the team - what is the plan to transfer ownership to another team member so they can run with the objective. Be the “coach” for your team and allow them to grow and flourish in this new opportunity.
Who can do it?
How do you hand off ownership?
What is the goal or objective?
When does it need to be completed?
How can you (as their leader) help them prioritize their other tasks or objectives?
I wish I had some of these tools available to me as a young leader. We can’t effectively negotiate or prioritize without all the information and we can’t lead based on assumptions. Being a strategic leader means you are digging in to what is being asked of you and your team, coming from curiosity on the needs of the business, your peers, and your team members.
If you’re curious to learn more or would like to work through any leadership challenges you might be facing - please click the link below!