Grit Gone Wrong
how do we know when enough is enough?
“You have a map, a compass for your life, and your energy is laser focused to what you want. Then it’s easy to know when enough is enough.”
How to know when enough is enough
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What is your unfiltered definition of success. What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone?
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What are your values? What are your non-negotiables?
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What goals do you have? Where are you going? Are the sacrifices you need to make WORTH IT?
Grit is an amazing attribute
Angela Duckworth’s definition of “Grit” is having stamina - it is passion and perseverance for long-term goals. It is sticking with the vision for your future and working to make that future a reality. And it’s the belief that the ability to learn is not fixed.
It was something I wanted to show my colleagues and peers I had - tenacity, someone who pushes through with passion, keeps going no matter what. I am a people pleaser, an over-achiever, and someone who can’t stomach the idea of failure. So when I read “Grit” I knew it was something I aspired to emulate.
We would call ourselves the “cockroaches” - no matter what blew up, how hard things got, how much turnover, shifting direction, or change occurred, we were still there. We survived. And we were proud of that.
“We called ourselves the ‘cockroaches’ - no matter what blew up...we were still there. We survived”
In 2020, I was leading the people function for a large organization - it was a stressful time for my team. We were managing the fear of COVID-19, we moved to a completely remote workplace, George Floyd was murdered and Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging became a major initiative that our team was supporting. I was the mother of a 5 year old going into Kindergarten and a 1.5 year old toddler. My days started early - I would switch off child care duty with my husband throughout the day - then after the kids went to sleep, I worked late - often until midnight. Even as things started changing in the world of COVID-19, the workload never really let up.
At the tail end of 2020, we had a major leadership shift, I found myself unclear of the vision, where we were going, or what was needed by me and my team. We were trying to manage and navigate this change while keeping culture and engagement up. We were still managing previous initiatives without a lot of good traction, we had resource constraints and challenges, and I wasn’t receiving positive feedback on anything we were doing at that time. So, I pushed harder - did more research, provided more business plans, tried to make changes - and we still weren’t yielding results.
Meanwhile, my personal life was struggling as well. My husband complained about me being on calls, on the computer, or on the phone constantly. I wasn’t present with my family. I interrupted family time and family trips to prep for and attend meetings. The breaking point for me was when my daughter told me that I loved my phone more than I loved spending time with her.
I was failing in every aspect of my life. My relationship with my husband and my family was challenged, I was failing as a leader, I wasn’t present with my friends, I was unfulfilled, distracted, depressed, and unhappy and despite all of my efforts, I still wasn’t succeeding in work. My new boss told me, “I don’t think you’re committed to where we’re going.”
“I was failing in every aspect of my life.”
Where are we going? How am I not committed? What am I doing this for? Is it worth it?
The truth is, he was right. I didn’t know what I stood for. I didn’t know where to put my energy for the company - and if that’s true - then how would anyone know if I was succeeding?
If you have no map for yourself, and you’re unclear on where the organization is going, what’s does the end result look like?
“If you have no map for yourself and you’re unclear on where the organization is going, what does the end result look like?”
The “grit” I was leaning into was directionless. I was doing more and more, pushing harder and harder, for what? Because I always had. It was natural and instinctual for me. But when I started asking myself, “what was I working towards?” I didn’t know. I was just working. For years prior, I was ok with this. But now, my cup was empty. I wasn’t aligned to my values…I didn’t even know what I valued anymore. I was just fulfilling my own ego by being “gritty.”
“What was I working towards? I didn’t know. I was just working...I was just fulfilling my own ego by being ‘gritty’.”
That was when I realized - GRIT without clear values will lead to burnout. The fear of being irrelevant drove me. I realized I had no boundaries, because I had not defined what success meant to me, what I actually valued, and what I wanted for my future.
I made that a priority (see previous blog on Values as a Compass).
When you have 1) your own definition of success 2) your own defined values 3) your own vision for your future, you have THEN created a foundation for what you say yes and what you say no to.
You have a map, a compass for your life, and your ENERGY is laser focused to what YOU want. THEN it’s easy to know WHEN TO BE GRITTY and WHEN TO SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
“You have a map, a compass for your life, and your energy is laser focused to what you want. Then it’s easy to know when enough is enough.”
Aside: I started to think about “Grit” from an employer’s standpoint. Something to ponder…are organizations being gritty when discussing layoffs, or when an employee makes a mistake, or when a leader isn’t showing up in the best way. Are we being “gritty” with financials and protecting the very people we’re asking to be “gritty” for us? I was taught to hire slow and fire fast - I was taught that there are always better people out there.
Grit is a great value for an organization if it’s clearly defined, designed, and reciprocal. This means that people are passionate and tenacious for the goals and mission of the organization AND the organization is passionate and tenacious about it’s people who are serving the goals and the mission of the organization.